Once upon a time, there was a blind man.

He was going about his business when he stumbled upon a fish market. Puzzled, he stopped and inhaled.

He let out an enthusiastic ‘woo’ and said, “Good morning ladies.”

In 1892, Anthony E. Magoris invented the precursor to the modern douche and eliminated this mix-up for vision-impaired men everywhere.

All jokes aside, smell is the most sensitive of the five recognized human senses.

We can remember smells with 65 percent accuracy after one year, while we have only 50 percent recall of visual memories after three months. Smells control a variety of things, including our attraction to others.

Smells, particularly bad ones, are why I’m writing today.

Over the course of the last six months, I have heard a handful of men complain about the feminine odor of women they were intimate with.

Being a woman myself, I will attest that women are sent a lot of mixed messages about caring for their nether region. For the record, maintaining a vagina over the lifespan is a tricky business.

Unlike the penis, the female vagina is internal; it is also considerably moister. These components in conjunction with temperature make it extremely conducive to bacteria growth.

That said, hardship does not excuse improper care or being inconsiderate to a partner or those around you.

After all, you can only expect so much in the bedroom when your pants are packing a personal Pike Place Market.

Bad-smelling genitalia are a reasonable deal breaker for both men and women.

From a young age, many girls were taught to wash minimally and that the vagina is self-maintaining, whereas others were told to douche and use pleasant smelling soaps to keep fresh.

Between pubic hair and PH levels, it’s easy to find oneself perplexed and quite frankly, a little itchy.

This week, I was committed to nailing down the facts surrounding stinky snatch. I know what you’re thinking; my mother must be so proud of the challenging goals I set for myself.

In this column, I will set the record straight regarding best hygiene practices for caring for the vagina, as well as address having the difficult ‘you stink’ conversation with a partner.

I talked to the best in the business about lady business: advanced registered nurse practitioner Mary Lopes, who has 30 years of experience in women’s health, and professor and clinical psychologist Laurie Smith-Nelson.

In general, Lopes said that a major misconception is that women have to do a lot to keep their vagina functioning well.

“Things naturally work well and discharge appropriately,” Lopes said.

She explained that ‘doing too much’ can throw off PH levels in the vagina and actually make things worse.

“Using harsh soaps around the labia can cause irritation,” Lopes explained.

Throwing off the PH levels in the vaginal canal can result in either a yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis, which are uncomfortable and produce a noticeable, unpleasant odor. They also affect discharge color and consistency.

Yeast infections and BV can be transmitted to male partners even though they are not STIs; however, BV does not manifest symptoms in men like yeast infections occasionally do. Instead, BV lives in the male prostate until it clears their system.

Consequently, the same partner can retransmit it to a female after she has been treated for it. Medical professionals advise condom usage during intimacy when a woman has been recently been treated for BV.

So, what is the recipe for success?

First and foremost, wear breathable underwear.

Overall, Lopes suggests “doing nothing until you need to do something.”

She said that most often, women can just wash with water around the labia, and if they have a soap that they know will be gentle on them, to use that. Lopes specified that nothing that touches the labia should be oil based, as it can clog pores.

Today’s medical professionals advise women to forego douching altogether.

Regarding the menstrual cycle, Lopes explained that tampons can be dangerous if used incorrectly. If tampons are left in for too long, they become a breeding ground for bacteria.

“Nighttime is actually too long,” Lopes said.

She clarified that tampons can certainly be worn at night, but should be changed during the sleep cycle. Concerning diet, Lopes advised maintaining a healthy probiotic balance in the intestinal tract.

Desired vaginal PH falls between 3.5 and 4.5 and translates to a healthy aroma. PH levels outside of this range translate to unpleasant sexual experiences for all parties involved.

If you’re in an emotionally engaging relationship, don’t jump ship for lousy labia or a subpar smelling scrotum before talking about it with your partner.

I specify ‘emotionally engaging’ for a reason.

First off, if this is a one-night love affair or fairly unattached sexual relationship, keep it to yourself. Essentially, decide whether it’s something you can sexually move forward with.

If not, move on.

However, if you are invested in a relationship, you can approach the topic with care using the sandwich technique, Smith said.

The sandwich technique begins by saying something positive and then addressing the negative portion of the conversation. Then, finish with another positive comment.

“I would say, I really care about you and want the best for you. I care enough about you that I’m going to risk sharing something that will probably be uncomfortable for the both of us,” Smith said. “But I’m not sure that you’re aware that you have an odor that other people can smell. I wouldn’t risk this discomfort if I didn’t really care about you and know that you’d be hurt to hear this from someone else.”

The word choice ‘odor’ instead of smell is also key to the conversation. Smell has a poor connotation, whereas odor is more neutral, Smith explained.

Smith clarified that even when handled with care, this conversation will most likely warrant an unpleasant emotional response.

“There are certain things that regardless of how sensitive you try to be, they’re just going to be hurtful and shaming,” she said.

Smith noted that there is certainly a time and place for this conversation.

For example, don’t have this discussion in the middle of a sexual encounter or when someone is under the influence. Don’t do it prior to a high-pressure moment, like a test or presentation either.

Negative feelings linger and there is room for sexual scarring if proper emotional care is not given post-conversation.

This means you should be mindful and kind in all your actions for a reasonable amount of time afterward.

Also keep in mind, this information should never be shared with outside parties under any circumstances.

For those too shy to have this conversation out loud, there’s always the option of the written word, which Smith highly recommends. Writing down something this uncomfortable allows them to read it on their own and discuss it with you when they’re emotionally prepared to.

All in all, being happy and healthy is the most important thing for both partners in any relationship.

Treat the issue with the same sensitivity of the genital tissues themselves and everything should be just fine.