‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a girlfriend was stirring, for she hopes to someday be spouse.

Stockings were on, not a leg would go bare,

In hopes future in laws would smile not stare.

Couples everywhere were nestled, all snug in separate beds,

While visions of morning sex danced through young men’s heads.

Condoms were purchased, and idealistically packed

But no boy dared move, lest he risk a father’s wrath.

For all meeting a partner’s family this season,

Just be yourself, I mean within reason.

The holidays are a trying time for everyone; most people spend them dodging the cuckoos nested in their own family tree. Naturally, taking on someone else’s family is nerve-wracking, whether they be Brady Bunch in nature or reminiscent of the mid-‘60s Kennedys.

Assuming that they’re like the Griswolds, fundamentally harmless, there are a few things a person should keep in mind when meeting a partner’s family for the first time.

I specify ‘a few things to keep in mind’ for a couple reasons. First and foremost, I’m a true believer in being who you are. When you meet people you are selling a genuine product. The right people will love you. The wrong people won’t buy, regardless of how you package yourself.

Consider the first meeting your sales pitch; seal the merry deal.

Oh Christmas Green, Oh Christmas Green

Fund your own trip and expect nothing. On the flipside, ask the family what you can bring to lighten their financial load for the time you’re there. Whether it’s bringing some disposable cups or an air mattress from home, they’ll appreciate having one fewer thing to worry about.

Remember that while staying at your family’s house might be all-inclusive, other families do things differently. Showing that you take financial responsibility for yourself and never expect a free ride displays maturity and ultimately that you know the value of a dollar. If they offer to fund something, thank them sincerely. Families generally don’t mind footing their company’s bill during the holiday season when it comes to meals or amenities. However, if it seems as if you expect it and aren’t grateful, it’ll come back to bite you. You can even have a conversation with you partner before you go about what kind of family they are if it helps.

We wish you a merry kiss-ass

On the same note, be ‘thank you’ friendly. If they give you anything or simply put food in your mouth over the course of a few days, write a thank you note and send it to their house post departure. Graciousness goes a long way, and handwritten notes don’t go unnoticed. If you end up in it for the long haul, sending a physical token of your gratitude will set a good tone for the relationship. Provided that you’re only around for a little while, they’ll remember you well. Thank you notes matter, especially to our parents’ generation.              

Santa’s surface level helper

If I’ve learned anything in my six short years of dating, it’s that a lot of adults, especially mothers, have a certain way of doing things this time of year. Some people like to cook big meals their way or set their own table with an awesome Santa centerpiece. I urge you help out anywhere you can, but don’t interrupt an artist. There are a few chores that require no method, but just inspire madness for every family. Ask if you can collect and dispose of trash, clear plates, sweep, or run a few errands for the family during your visit. If you offer it from a place of genuine willingness to help rather than with an obligatory tone, you’ll gain their respect. If you do it while they’re not around, you’ll get even more brownie points.

Remember their advice, be it naughty or nice

This tip can be applied to budding friendships as well as professional and educational relationships. Pay attention to family conversation; learn their likes and dislikes. Remember these comments for a later date. When his mother talks about how much she loves a certain wine or hates when people fold their clothes a particular way, make a mental note. You can apply these to a gift down the line, or simply avoid annoying her. Remember, people aren’t lab rats, but they’re just as observable. Paying attention shows that you care and want to foster a good relationship with them. Those intentions shine through all mistakes.

Scrooge you

As I mentioned in the beginning of this column, everyone has a few nuts in the giant cookie that is their family. Don’t point them out, even if provoked. I say provoked because some people like to confer about family matters with their partner early on. If your partner says, “Yeah, my aunt is so neurotic,” don’t automatically jump aboard the psycho ship.

Validate your partner’s statements but move away from the negativity. Down the line it is completely OK to laugh together about what a box of rocks their cousin is, but in the first meeting, avoid any judgments. Instead, try to find something positive about every family member that you interact with and share those things with your partner. For instance, if his aunt is neurotic you can say, “I noticed she’s very detail oriented, I wish I was more like that.” Your partner may have never seen their relative in that light.

As I said, be yourself. Be the best version of yourself. You’ll have them fa-la-la-la-ing for you in no time. Fingers crossed that grandma doesn’t get run over by a reindeer on your watch.