In 1968, Harry Nilsson told the world that one was the loneliest number we’d ever do.

At the risk of inciting an emotional crisis among singles everywhere, seconds later he comforted us with the knowledge that two could be equally as miserable.

Unfortunately, Nilsson jumped to a catchy chorus and failed to provide us with loneliness estimates for numbers three, four, and five. Luckily, one crowd of people picked up and investigated where he left off.

This week, I want to bring to light a group I have unintentionally neglected due to my monogamous blind spot: the polyamorists.

Polyamory directly translates to ‘many loves,’ and is defined as a romantic relationship between more than two consenting adults in which all parties are knowledgeable of one another. Also known as ethical non-monogamy, these relationships vary from person to person and do not always contain a sexual component.

This week I spoke with Michael Rios and Bhramari Devi Dasi about their poly experiences.

Michael Rios, poly-educator and webmaster of polyinfo.org, said he has been polyamorous his whole life. Rios founded a polyamorous commune while still in high school in the mid-1960s. He currently has two nesting partners. They live together in side-by-side group housing unit. Rios also has two long-distance lovers who he sees every so often. He maintains regular contact with his co-parent of three children even though they haven’t been sexual for many years.

“We got an official divorce in the late ‘90s, but we talk on the phone every day,” Rios said.

All of Rios’ partners identify as poly and support one another; two are even very close friends.

Devi Dasi, polyamory awareness rights activist and educator, got her start a bit later than Rios. Three marriages later to be exact.

As a young adult she was absorbed into the free-love environment.

“I actually lived with six other people, and we were lovers to each other. We called it a pod,” Devi Dasi said.

When the roommates disbanded, things changed; Devi Dasi assumed she would do the same.

“We all thought we were supposed to grow up and get normal, but I never really pulled off monogamy,” she said.

In her late 40s, Devi Dasi ended her third marriage and finally decided that she was not cut out for coupledom. It wasn’t about the sexual aspect either, but more of fostering emotional connections with others.

After the turn of the millennium, she went online and began exploring dating sites. There she met men who self-identified as polyamorous, and she learned that it was what she had been doing her entire life. Devi Dasi came out as openly non-monogamous nine years ago and currently has a nesting partner and girlfriend.

Devi Dasi is the administrator for the Expansive Loving Polyamory Network, which strives to promote the open, honest and ethical practice of polyamory.

“It’s about being honest, safe, sane, and consensual,” she explained.

Notice the word honest in particular.

Monogamous people often translate polyamorous to total disregard for monogamous commitments, which is not the case for most poly individuals.

“I will not date someone who is dating someone who is cheating,” Devi Dasi said. “If their relationship world isn’t honest and open, I won’t go near it.”

She acknowledges that, as with all groups of people, there are obviously exceptions; not all moral compasses point quite as due north as hers.

Devi Dasi implements this principle not only for ethical reasons, but to ensure the health of everyone involved.

“When it comes to sexual health issues, it’s not only about the person who I’m being sexually intimate with. It’s about the people that they’re sexually intimate with and so on,” she said. “When someone is cheating, you can’t have that conversation.”

Devi Dasi said it’s a cultural norm to have these conversations. Sexually-active poly people should be open to having what she calls a ‘sexual health and practice’ conversation.

Both Devi Dasi and Rios emphasized the role of open communication in all aspects of poly relationships.

“In poly, we have to look at what’s really going on,” Rios said.

Regarding problems, poly people must completely breakdown issues, especially in the context of ‘jealousy.’

“Jealousy is not an emotion. It is a label we slap on emotions or a combination of emotions when we’re afraid to look at them too closely,” Rios explained. “Sometimes people are afraid or insecure, but because there is a third party involved, they just use the word jealousy and either feel guilty or justified.”

These emotions can arise from everything from a partner attending a movie with someone else to engaging in sexual contact.

“People ask me, ‘How do you feel when your partner is having sex with someone else?’ My response is ‘Off duty,’” Rios said jokingly.

Rios explained that he and his partners are independent in terms of their relationships. They do not set expectations, agreements or rules. To be clear, this isn’t true for all poly couples. Some couples embrace the setting of rules and desire hierarchical structures to remain stable.

Regardless of the exact situation, both maintained that introspection is paramount in the poly lifestyle when tackling a problem.

Rather than blame their partner for their emotions, Rios and Devi Dasi ask themselves ‘Why am I feeling this way?’ Such reflecting has helped them become considerably more emotionally self-sufficient.

But as the saying goes, more often than not, ‘it takes two to tango.’ Introspection can only go so far.

Devi Dasi recommends approaching problems as collaborators instead of adversaries.

“I think of it as we’re a team, and we have a big problem to try to resolve. Let’s look at this as a mountain we’re both climbing together, versus ‘Who can get to the top of the right mountain first?’” she said.

After writing this column, I recommend that everyone spend some time learning about polyamory. Expose yourself to alternative lifestyles. Doing so can help you better determine what type of life you want to lead in the future.

You’ve been exposed to heterosexual monogamy your entire life; you’ve got to be an expert by now.

To conclude this one, I leave you with some words from Rios.

“If you’re not happy being alone, you won’t be happy being in a relationship. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself,” he said. “People hear that, but they don’t understand it.”

One might very well be the loneliest number that you ever know. But if you love you as a ‘one,’ I can bet you that finding your two won’t be a problem.