I once received a piece of advice that I’ll never forget.

During an interview I asked my interviewer whether I should narrow my job search within my field or try several careers in communication.

She replied, “Finding out what you don’t want to do is the best way to find your way to what you want. A series of choices that don’t fit will help you narrow down you search.”

I came to the realization that this piece of advice was just as applicable to dating as it was to my career pursuit. The idea got me thinking about relationships, their lifecycles, and all the ‘wrong’ fits I have encountered in my years of dating.

In the last five years, I have become a lot less tolerant of what I will accept from a partner. That’s a positive change.

After years of dating, we are able to quickly write off prospective partners much easier than we could at age 16.

While some consider this close-minded and cutthroat, I maintain that being selective is a right of the experienced.

There are specific personality traits that no amount of love can overcome. As cynical as it sounds, love does not conquer all.

Psychologists and dating experts refer to these traits as ‘deal breakers.’

Recognizing that ‘nobody’s perfect,’ and relationships require compromise, understand that deal breakers are not minor flaws. 

Dating experts at eHarmony.com define deal breakers as “aspects of your partner’s core values and they speak to the mechanics of how you interact with each other.”

Psychologists have determined that many deal breakers are standard across the board. A majority of people end their relationships for issues of incompatibility, deceit, addiction, abuse, or poor communication.

Experts say that these major flaws take time to surface and are often ignored only until the relationship becomes unbearable. Both parties find themselves looking for a way out. Breaking up becomes inevitable, and we find ourselves alone again.

My last two years of college and heartbreak have taught me that I am fairly choosy. My top three deal breakers are being insecure, unmotivated, and unable to hold one’s liquor.

Creating this mental checklist has enabled me to narrow my search and ultimately set me free. The learning process was painful, but each time I left wiser and better prepared to date again.

Making a list of deal breakers is something you should do. The list will grow and change with you, but having a tentative one to build on can save you time and energy as you encounter potential partners.

Here are a few suggestions as to how to begin building your list:

1. Brainstorm what you don’t like in your friends—think about the flaws that bother you the most in your friends. Write them down if they have created serious problems between you and that friend.

2.    List of all the reasons you broke up with past partners—think about the No. 1 reason why all of your relationships came to an end.

3.    Think about the traits you personally strive for and then look up their antonyms—if you think something is extremely important and devote your time to improving yourself in that area, your partner should do the same. Valuing similar qualities makes a relationship a lot easier in the long run.

After ending a relationship, it’s common to feel like you gave up on a good thing. Film writer Michael Patrick King said, “Some love stories are not epic novels. Some are short stories. But it doesn’t make them any less filled with love.” Before you undermine a relationship because of its length or decide to run back to it, consider King’s words.