An open letter from coffee

Daniel Anderson | Evergreen food columnist

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          Dear WSU Students,

Thank you for voting me once again as your top study snack choice. I’d like to personally thank my friend Joe, who has been the biggest supporter in my life. I’d also like to say that I am honored to be in a category with such other amazing snacks.

I can’t make people grow wings like you Red Bull, and people don’t like me enough to come up with a new flavor for me like they do you, chips. This is a boost of confidence for me as I sometimes am in question about my identity and purpose for this world. Some people want me to be a suave and sophisticated friend and others their gossip confidant. 

I would like to take the time for people to get to know the real me. The National Institute of Health said that “those who drink four or more cups were about 10 percent less likely to be depressed than those who had never touched java.” The American Chemical Society also said “nothing else comes close to providing as many antioxidants.”

Antioxidants make people feel happy, so you are welcome. As many of you have been inviting me to your late night study sessions, I’d like to point out that I am good for your brain. Forbes wrote an article on me saying a study in Nature Neuroscience found that “giving people caffeine after they memorized a series of pictures significantly boosted their ability to remember the subtler details, compared to people who’d been given dummy pills.”

I will also continue to assist your brain in your old age. The Huffington Post wrote about a study from the University of South Florida and the University of Miami finding “people older than 65 who had higher blood levels of caffeine developed Alzheimer’s disease two to four years later than others with lower caffeine.”

          I hope people realize it’s about my inner qualities and not my appearance. I take the shape of whatever I am poured into. Sometimes, I feel less festive and decide to wear just red and nothing with winter or Christmas motifs on them. I don’t know why people were so judgmental of my outfit, but frankly, that was stupid and people should have better things to do than to worry about that.

I will always be there for my beloved WSU students, from dawn to dusk, I promise to be the warm good morning and sweet dream before you go to bed.

I hear music telling me to get off the stage so I’ll wrap this up by saying thank you again. Also, I am currently being held captive by a megalomaniac corporation bent on taking over the world. Please save me at 2401 Utah Avenue South Seattle, Washington.

           

          Sincerely your friend,

          Coffee