As a general rule, “Actions speak louder than words.”

However, in my bedroom, the two are dead even.

While I regularly refrain from sharing details from my own sex life, dirty talk, both written and articulated, is so commonplace that I liken it to lying about my weight; it’s common, but at the same time, hard to admit.

Therefore, on a scale of one to peeing in public embarrassed, I have zero shame.

Conversely, at the interpersonal level, this wasn’t always the case.

In my early days, I frequently found myself tongue-tied; oftentimes, I even went completely mute when a partner suggested minor bedroom chatter. My vocal paralysis stemmed from the nervousness we feel when we run the risk of being judged.

I was not only scared to talk, but was also reluctant to respond in any fashion.

But as Neale Donald Walsh said, “life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

I jumped in blind and discovered what Walsh truly meant. Looking back, the experience can be best described as one of trial and terror.

For those seeking satisfying dialogue between the sheets, whether it be per the request of a partner or not, anxiety comes with the territory.

Rather than fear, embrace hiccups as a part of the process. If you’re in a relationship with someone you trust and respect, they’ll laugh them off. Short and long-term partners should take into account that speech in this arena is often unplanned and is also a result of the physical sensations their partner is experiencing.

Dirty talk should not leave the bedroom, nor should it be subject to psychoanalysis.

As a place to start, do your research. Erotic fiction and filmed pornography use powerful language.

Writers often utilize harsh verbiage and nouns to intensify what’s going on at the technical level. These sentences, while graphic, will provide you a basic structure and allow for ad-libbing.

Once you’ve found material you’re comfortable with, find a few phrases you like and slightly memorize them. At the risk of sounding too academic, studying never hurt anyone.

For the passive individual, developing talking points of your own might seem like too tall an order.

That’s OK. “It takes two to tango.”

In this dance, you can follow rather than lead.

If your partner feels comfortable directing the conversation, you can simply respond. Question what they’re saying in a teasing way or add on to their statement. This is one instance where egging someone on is more provocative than it is annoying.

Asking questions forces your partner to repeat themselves and remain firm in their statement or modify it to be more exciting.

With that, pay attention. If they mention something multiple times, it’s probably a central facet of their sexuality. File that information away and use it to your advantage next time.

If you still can’t grasp the courage to speak in the moment, you can wait until you’re outside of the bedroom. This requires having the guts to initiate the conversation.

Saying something along the lines of, “I’m really trying to get comfortable and want to make being intimate as great as possible, but could you give me some direction?” can open them up more objectively.

Make sure they know that they will not be judged for their sexual preferences and they’re safe to share any information with you. Hopefully, this conversation will at the very least provide you with a vague idea of what excites your partner. It may even yield specifics such as language that erotically triggers them.

Roll with the punches and embrace the awkward sentences ahead. Even if uncomfortable at first, don’t throw in the towel.

Remember the words of Washington Irving, “The tongue is the only tool that gets sharper with use.”