SATIRE: Follow advice of all-knowing Keith

Glenn Terrell Mall, the new center of knowledge



Why do we need to listen to medical, education or research professionals when the Wise “Keith” has graced our campus with his presence, spreading his valuable knowledge.

SAMANTHA RADCLIFFE, Evergreen columnist

Are you stressed because you do not have the answer to a problem? Are you doubting the relevance of your education or the headlines on the news?

Do not fret! Standing at two feet tall and with a mop of brown hair covering his face is “Keith,” the person wiser than us all. 

“Keith” holds all the answers to the world’s problems in the palm of his hand. And astonishingly, he is currently blessing our campus with his wisdom free of charge!

George Brussel and his friends had a long-standing debate about whether the earth is flat or spherical and decided to go to the all-knowing “Keith” to know the truth finally.

“The Wise ‘Keith’ spoke, and he said the earth is not flat or spherical but triangular,” Brussel said. “We were completely misguided by the outlandish people who deem the photoshop pictures of the spherical Earth as the truth.”

Not only is “Keith” highly knowledgeable in astronomy, but he is the only one who truly comprehends the complexities of environmental issues — and all without a college degree. 

Sally Joe, who recently listened to her professor lecture about the detrimental impacts of climate change, asked “Keith” if climate change actually exists.

“How could you allow yourself to be brainwashed by the theories of those stupid climate scientists, Joe,” Keith said. “They obviously made up the concept to give professors something to teach and politicians something to argue about during debates.”

Keith, indeed, does not limit himself to simpleton debates about the shape of the earth or climate change. No, he also delves into social issues. And he continues to prove, again and again, that he is an advocate for minority groups, making him a perfect model for the younger generations.

Britney Blair sought Keith’s advice about what she should do after discovering that her boyfriend had been cheating on her for the past year. 

“I swear, the Wise Keith always reminds me of my role in our modern society,” Blair said. “He reminded me that I must always support my boyfriend and his decisions, regardless of my feelings on the matter.”

Regardless of your situation, Keith can still provide tasteful opinions and offer you advice on the matter. 

Bertha Jenkins sought Keith’s advice about handling her best friend’s weird habit of eating babies because it has been putting a real strain on their relationship.

“I honestly do not know what I would do without the advice of the Wise Keith,” Jenkins said. “I now know, because of him, that I must sit in silence in the corner while my best friend eats children because I am a lady and must not oppose him.”

As you can see, Keith is one of the wisest people ever to grace our campus. So, if you want to seek “Keith’s” wisdom and do not know where he resides, walk toward Glen Terrell Mall until you hear his motivating protests with his self-proclaimed followers surrounding him. 

Please remember to share Keith’s wisdom with the rest of the world since he is positively impacting our campus. It is only considerate.